I was at an event with a friend I’ve known for a long time. We’ve been part of the same social circles, often orbiting each other’s lives, but most of our conversations stayed focused on family or casual topics. When the speaker asked us to turn to the person next to us and share what we loved about them, I saw my opportunity. I told her everything I had never said out loud before. How brave she had been during a difficult leadership transition. How much I admired the way she led in her own style and left her mark on the company. She always did the right thing, no matter the cost. I told her she didn’t need to be front and center to lead. She led with quiet steadiness and strength.
I had always thought those things. I just had never put them into words until that moment.
In return, she shared how much my writing had meant to her. Despite her intense schedule as the leader of a major company, she told me she read my posts regularly and shared them with others who might need them. In just a few minutes, we connected more deeply than we had in years of friendship.
It wasn’t that we didn’t know each other before. We simply assumed the other person already knew how we felt.
The truth is: assumptions are silent, and words are powerful.
Say the Words Out Loud
I always knew my dad loved me. But he was a typical Asian immigrant father, quiet and practical. When I went to college, he made me a toolbox for my dorm, complete with his favorite hammer (sorry, big sis!). When he dropped me off at Duke, he handed me $20 for gas, turned around, and walked away.
That was how he showed love. Telling us he
loved us was foreign to him. It would’ve been as strange as him eating pizza for dinner. He didn’t believe a meal was complete without rice. He was a lovable person, but completely unable to say “I love you.”
Until one day, he did (prompted by a long letter my sister had written him about why he should).
At first, he mumbled it awkwardly. It never became easy, but he made himself say it. And while I always knew, hearing the words still made a difference. Now, even a decade after he has passed, I still have the hammer and think about his words, even if he reluctantly said them.
Sometimes we just need to say it out loud. Even when we think they know, it matters that they hear it.
People want to feel seen. They want to know their work matters. So why do we not want to say it out loud?
Thank Those Who Made a Difference
Anyone who claims success is a solo journey is forgetting everyone who made it possible. None of us gets here alone.
Some of the most meaningful notes I’ve received are from people I met years ago who tell me that something I said or did helped change their path. I don’t always remember the moment, but they do. And those stories remind me to pay it forward, to thank those who helped me in ways both big and small.
Too often, we don’t take the time to thank the people who opened a door, dropped our name for the right opportunity, or quietly vouched for us behind the scenes. Maybe we forget. Maybe we think they already know. But often, we’re just so focused on moving forward that we forget to look back and say, “Thank you.”
Last year, I saw someone who made a huge difference in my life, and I wholeheartedly thanked her. I am not sure she knew how much her support at a turning point in my life meant to me, and how she set me on the path that led me to where I am today. I had sort of lost touch with her over the years, so when I ran into her, I made sure to give her my thanks.
Let Others Catch You Saying Great Things
I once wrote a note praising someone who worked for one of my peers and sent it to his manager. After the manager responded, I decided to forward a copy of the original email to him, too. If I was going to talk about how great he was to someone else, I wanted him to see it for himself.
He was genuinely touched that I went out of my way to recognize him, especially for a collaborative effort. That moment of appreciation created goodwill and trust between us.
Last week, I wrote about backchannel reference checks. Occasionally, I ask if I can share what I said with the person being referenced. Once, a well-known senior leader told me, “I wish someone would talk about me with the same passion and conviction you have when you talk about her.”
When Ami Vora and I decided to write blog posts about each other, I wanted to use it as an intentional act of appreciation. Here is what I always wanted to tell her, but decided to post for her whole audience instead. She responded by giving me thoughtful feedback on “how to say no.”
My friend Mauria says she likes to “let people catch me saying good things” about them. That way, her team knows not only that she appreciates them, but that she cares enough to say it out loud to others.
Praise can feel awkward. It can be difficult to put into words. It can expose emotion in a space that feels reserved or buttoned up. But that’s exactly why it’s needed.
We often save our admiration for eulogies, departures, or retirement speeches. Why wait until someone is leaving or gone to share how we feel?
Why Praise Feels Scarce and Why That Needs to Change
This week, I want you to do three things:
Tell someone something you admire about them. especially if you’ve never said it out loud.
Thank someone who helped you along the way, even if it’s been years.
Let someone overhear you praising them to a manager, teammate, or mutual friend.
Even taking a few minutes can make a huge difference in someone’s life. My manager, Doug Purdy, always said, “Credit is infinitely divisible,” and I believe the same is true for praise.
Praise is not a zero sum game. It is like a spark that lights a fire, creating warmth that inspires others to pass it on. In just a few words, you can change someone’s outlook and life.
The quiet power of appreciation, connection, and letting people know they matterRead MorePerspectives
