Here’s an experiment for you to try. Have someone place their palm against yours so that both of your arms are outstretched at a ninety-degree angle. Your goal is to make their arm fold back so that you’re leaning into their space. Your first instinct is to push forward, pressing against their hand in order to tilt their arm back. What do they do in response? They push back against you.
That is how human nature works. When someone pushes you hard enough, you instinctively push back in order to maintain your position. This reaction is so deeply ingrained that you may not even realize you’re doing it.
Now try this: instead of immediately pushing against the other person’s hand, try pulling back a little fluidly. Allow your hand to move a bit to the side, bringing your hand up and over until you’ve folded their arm back. What was different? By giving a little and moving aside with a dance-like motion, you diffused their natural instinct to push back. Instead, they followed your lead, allowing you to move their hand back into their own space.
This is what effective persuasion looks like. When it comes to getting people to do what you want, subtlety beats force every time. The harder you push someone, the more likely they are to dig their heels in and resist. By using subtler strategies, like the ones I will be discussing in this article, you can much more easily bring people around to your way of thinking—without causing needless friction in the process.
Know what they think
When you’re trying to persuade someone of something, your natural inclination is to tell them what to believe. The problem? Nobody likes being told how to think. This just creates resistance, and it takes away your chance to make a nuanced case for yourself.
Instead of telling someone that their belief is wrong, start by asking them what their belief actually is. By having them share their point of view, you are doing something subtle, but brilliant: you are allowing them to feel heard. This automatically reduces feelings of confrontation and paves the way for a more diplomatic conversation.
The other benefit to this is that it gives you a starting point for making your case. Sometimes we push on our beliefs so hard that we forget to try to understand where the other person is coming from. We make assumptions about them without knowing their baseline, which takes away our chance to find a middle ground.
The key to persuasion is to start from a place of curiosity. Ask questions. Be inquisitive, not judgmental. You may find that you’re not as far apart as you think.
Let them reach the conclusion on their own
Two of my kids hated wearing jackets. They refused to carry them, claiming they never got cold. We used to bicker over it every day on the way out, until I had a realization: I can just let them go without their jackets once or twice. They will realize I’m right, and we’ll never have to argue about this again. Now, nine out of ten times, they bring their jackets when they need them. It only took a couple days of shivering for them to learn the lesson I had tried so hard to teach them.
How to convince and influence others without being overbearingRead MorePerspectives
