Confession time: I didn’t buy gas for over a year, and I didn’t even notice. I would get into the car, and each time, there was always plenty in the tank. I honestly thought nothing of it. One day, I noticed that my car was missing, and I asked David where he’d taken it when he got home. He replied, “I noticed that the gas was low, and you are going to the city. I went to fill it.”
Up until then, I had never noticed, so I had also never thanked him—and he didn’t care. I know that sounds a little bit crazy, but this is the nature of our marriage. We met when I was just 18, and we have been married for over two decades. We’ve been through a lot during that time, but we’ve always been committed to a 60-60 marriage.
You’re probably wondering what that is. At one point, when we were engaged, we went to a Christian marriage retreat. One of the speakers and his wife talked about what they referred to as a “60-60 relationship.” They discussed how even though marriage has always been set up as a 50-50 partnership, that was all wrong. The idea was that if each partner gave more than 50 percent, then both would feel like they were getting the better end of the bargain.
David and I embraced that concept. We never lived together before we got married. Since then, from having roommates in different massive houses to living in a tiny on-campus apartment at Stanford, we’ve had to learn a lot about each other—and how to adapt. And the 60-60 rule has made that possible.
The key to making 60% work
I travel a ton for work, and I have a lot of work obligations after hours. But when I’m home, I take care of making every meal for the family. It’s only fair, since I’m out so much, and David has to manage the entire household when I’m gone. Every weekend, he goes to Costco and picks out whatever he wants for the week, and I cook it. There are some weeks when I don’t really want to eat what he buys (e.g. 8 lbs of ground turkey), but I don’t complain. It’s not that I don’t crave something different, but I know that he’s picking things that will be pleasing to the entire household, not just to me. He doesn’t complain either when I take the raw ingredients and make something that’s not to his liking either.
This is the ebb and flow of a 60-60 marriage. It is a dynamic that is focused on the happiness of the household, not on individual desires. The only way a relationship like this works is through a give-and-take. We get annoyed with each other, but we have a rule that we try not to complain if the other person makes an earnest effort. We read once that what kills a marriage is not a lack of love, but the creeping in of contempt, so we try our very best to not criticize. For example, the pantry is a cluttered mess, but it is my domain, and not once has he blamed me, even when we had pantry moths that led to a large infestation. (I know he was thinking it, but he held his tongue and kept the peace.)
How comparative advantage makes a huge difference
We are each uniquely good at some things and terrible at others. Therefore, we naturally do more of the things we care about. David spends dozens of hours planning every vacation we ever take, and he sends me a document with all of the before we leave so I can take care of all the food and clothing. He never fails to make sure that the cans are on the curb on the right days, and I ensure that our bills are current and that our cars are always registered. I never change the oil, but I do all the smog checks. He used to take all three kids to Costco to shop on Saturdays, and I would make a nice home-cooked meal for them to return to. I clean out the refrigerator and freezer and routinely move things around to make sure that nothing expires. (If it were up to him, sauces from 2019 would still be fair game today. I make sure he doesn’t get food poisoning.) Once we negotiate these things, they happen like clockwork, and we never talk about them again.
The goal of this type of arrangement is to take every opportunity to make everyone’s life easier. This is something we started instituting with the kids: When you see something on the floor, you don’t step over it; you pick it up and put it away. When you’re putting your dish in the sink, you check if there are other dishes around. Don’t take it for granted that someone else will do what needs to be done.
One of the things I hate the most is when one partner does all of the household management and the other person simply says, “If only they told me what to do!” The problem is that figuring out what needs to be done, and when, is already more than half the work. Multiply that by a full household, and you end up with an unfair division of mental labor. (The Guardian has a great cartoon about this here.)
Building a true partnership
A partnership is not a manager-employee relationship. Someone else is not telling you what needs to get done. Your job is to always be figuring it out—and so is your partner’s. Of course, this takes conscientiousness. David spent years putting my mugs of tea in the sink until I switched to a water bottle, which I carry with me all the time. I resented that he never cleaned out the car, but then I realized that he always keeps the gas full, and now I just periodically go in and empty out the trash that accumulates. We don’t live perfect lives, but we spend a lot of our time sanding the sharp edges off the day for each other. And that’s enough to build a happy relationship on.
So, how do you do this in your own relationship?
Avoid bean counting. David and I do our best not to have a tit-for-tat unless it’s something we’ve agreed to ahead of time. I don’t clean out the car because he gets me gas; I do it because it needs doing. This is what it means to put in 60 percent. You’re not keeping score, and you’re not using it as leverage. You’re each making a good-faith effort to make everyone’s lives easier.
Set the rules of engagement. In our household, we practice something we call conscious renegotiation, which has been helpful in getting us on the same page. We do what we say and say what we do, and we agree on ownership ahead of time. If something comes up that requires us to shift the responsibility, then we’ll put it up for negotiation. This saves us the work of having to always monitor what the other person is doing.
Don’t take each other for granted. It’s human nature to value what you do more than what someone else does, even if you each put in the same amount of effort. But that is a recipe for resentment. The solution? Focus not on what you give, but on what you receive. This changes your perspective completely, shifting your mindset to one of gratitude.
No complaining. We have a no-complaints rule in our household. David does things completely differently than me, but as long as they get done, I try to stay mum. The same is true for him; he doesn’t like the way I organized the pantry, but he appreciates that I did it. We jokingly grouse a bit, but as long as something gets done, we try very hard not to complain about the “how.”
These tips may sound simple, but they can do big things for a relationship. It can take some trial and error to put them into practice, but when you do, you’ll be paving the way to a smoother, more constructive dynamic.
Are you turning toward or away in your relationship? According to Fortune, citing work from the Gottman Institute, “Six years after the wedding, couples who stayed together turned toward one another 86% of the time compared to 33% of the time for couples who got divorced.” In this case, turning toward your partner can mean doing small things to make their life easier. It can also mean reaching out to them when you’re doing more than your fair share and working to strike a more equitable balance. These things don’t have to be earth-shattering, but over time, they can add up to big rewards.
David and I sometimes look back at that marriage seminar from all those years ago and laugh at how cheesy some of it was. But it taught us something valuable: to give more than we take. We have carried that lesson with us throughout our relationship, and it has made a world of difference.
How to build a lasting partnership by giving more than you takeRead MorePerspectives
