I used to be so jealous of people who could walk into a room and fit into every conversation. This was something I had struggled with my whole life. I grew up in a small town in South Carolina where I was always seen as “the other.” I was ridiculed and taunted relentlessly, so I tried to make myself smaller and less objectionable. Being a wallflower allowed me to be invisible.
That worked… until it didn’t.
Eventually, there came a point when I realized that diminishing myself was holding me back. I had to make a change, but I struggled to figure it out. I remember telling my coach, Katia, that I felt like I had to squint to read a room. I felt like a stranger all the time, always one step behind, slow to process, and unable to keep up with the conversation. I felt socially awkward and unsure in group interactions. My chest grew tight at the idea of going to executive presentations or board meetings where I couldn’t hide in the back. Even when I had an idea I knew had to be shared, the way I shared it came across as overly pedantic, cold, or uncaring. I would later turn the conversation over and over in my head, wondering what I was doing wrong.
Eventually, with Katia’s help, I learned to adapt my communication and become more comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t easy. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors, shifting my focus from winning to making connections. In the process, my ability to influence grew stronger than I could have imagined.
Here are the lessons I learned.
1. Focus on connecting, not being right
I always used to go into meetings prepared, with the answer already in my head. I did my homework. I had my list of arguments. I felt a drive to get the A—to land the message—but it turned out there was more to successful interactions than just being correct. No one wants to be told what’s right; they want to be guided to the answer. That doesn’t mean you should lead people astray, but there’s no denying that the best way to convince them is to connect.
I had always been better at presenting facts than convincing. I would start with my argument and focus on what I wanted to say, not the message I was trying to convey. To change minds, start instead with what the other party cares about, not what you want to get out of the discussion. Bring them along, rather than talking down to them. Make them your ally and not your adversary.
2. Leverage affinity bias
I’ve written before about how people are more likely to hire people similar to them, and how managers are more likely to give good ratings to people with similar characteristics. This is largely thanks to the affinity bias (ref).
People tend to trust and connect with those with whom they share something in common. This bias is insidious in hiring, but it can be a useful tool for building relationships. Something as general as both enjoying skiing can be enough to break the ice. Having kids of the same age or sharing an alma mater are other examples. To boost your chances of a successful interaction, take the time to learn something about the other person that you can connect over. Before I meet someone new, I try to read something they wrote or watch a video about them so I don’t go in cold. People want to be heard and understood, so taking a bit of extra time to do that can create a bridge to success.
3. Find common ground
I remember having a contentious meeting with a peer from another team. Our team had been tasked with building something that was a company priority, but it was an imposition on the other team’s roadmap. I struggled to get traction, and my team was becoming frustrated with what they felt were stalling tactics. Every meeting carried a negative tone under a veneer of politeness.
Finally, I had a one-on-one with the other team’s leader and asked them if there was something we could add to the project to make it more palatable. Yes, it was a dictate from the top, but that didn’t mean we could not add value. During the discussion, I suggested having them name the product and determine the go-to market. Suddenly, things changed. We went from adversaries to allies. It wasn’t easy, but it was how we found common ground. Applying the same strategy can take you far in your relationships, especially when there’s the potential for conflict.
4. Ask them how they got there, not what they believe
If you believe X and I believe Y, which is the opposite of X, there isn’t an easy way to reconcile those two things. Rarely can you get to an answer by compromising between X and Y without diluting the product or strategy.
That’s why, instead of asking what someone believes, you should ask them about their thought process. What path did their thinking follow? How did they arrive at their idea? They’ve likely had a lifetime of experiences that led them there. Like in the movie Slumdog Millionaire, where Jamal’s entire life leads to him knowing the answers to questions he seemingly should not know, people’s beliefs are shaped by a wealth of experiences. So try not to listen for the answer, but for the reasoning behind it. It will reveal much more about their point of view than any assertion can.
5. Look for the concern behind the question
I remember taking someone to an executive review without preparing him. He heard the discussion and questions, but he had no context on what was being said. He answered the questions themselves, but I knew there was motivation and backstory behind every question that came up—backstory that he didn’t get.
Often, people ask questions not because they want the answers, but because they are trying to clue you into something that they can’t, or won’t, articulate. The next time someone asks something, consider that they may be giving you information, even if it is incomplete. Think about why they would ask you that. What could they be trying to elicit? Half the time, they aren’t looking for the literal answer. If you pay attention to the context, their position, and their role, you’ll be better able to address their real concern.
6. Understand their incentives
It’s impossible to get on the same page as somebody whose incentives do not align with yours. It doesn’t matter how nice they are or how much they like you if they are being rewarded for the conflict. Incentives matter—and this is true of you as well. How many times have you been rewarded for something that extends a disagreement?
I once coached somebody who was struggling with how their manager was dealing with conflict. Their manager and another manager were both competing for the attention of their VP. Nothing that this person could say or do would change the larger conflict because the two managers had no incentive to align. In fact, they were vying for the same promotion.
Sometimes people aren’t building a connection with you—not because they’re not good or reasonable people, but because they’re being rewarded for something different. Understanding this can give you a better look at what they value and how you can work with them.
7. Focus on the common goal
I’ve found that in teams where there is infighting or lack of cross-team collaboration, it can help to refocus the energy around a common rallying point. This can mean shifting the emphasis to where your goals overlap, rather than where they clash.
I worked with a team where there was a lot of conflict between two groups that were highly dependent on each other for success. I joked that the front of the ship can blame the back of the ship for the water that’s coming on board, but no matter whose fault it is, they’re going to drown together. Human nature is to cover your rear and not acknowledge when things are wrong. But this deflection of blame is poisonous to the work environment.
8. Look for ways to create mutual success
I once worked with someone whom I respected but found really hard to work with. Their manager sensed this and asked me about our relationship. I gave them a vague answer. I later found out this individual was passed over for a promotion. While I was unsure if what I said impacted the decision, I knew it was time to be proactive. I asked to sit down with them and said, point-blank, “Let’s work together to get you promoted next cycle.” I actually believed they were really good at their job, and I wanted to see them succeed despite us having a somewhat contentious partnership.
After that, things changed. The sense of friction disappeared, and they worked really hard to make my products successful. Binding our success together helped us both reach new heights.
It can be easy to have your guard up, especially when you’re butting heads with someone, but when everyone operates like this, it creates unnecessary friction. Looking for ways to help everyone succeed can smooth out the relationship in a way you can both benefit from.
9. Live up to your commitments
Trust is hard to build but easy to lose.
One thing I always used to advise new product managers during onboarding was to build connections with their cross-functional teams. I would tell them to ask during the first meeting, “What is one thing I could do this week to make your job easier?” A small favor can be very powerful for building a relationship, but it’s up to you to actually live up to that commitment.
In a famous 1970s experiment (ref), children were given the choice between receiving a single, immediate reward and receiving two rewards if they waited for a period of time. That experiment has recently been revisited. It turns out that poorer children had less patience not because they lacked self-control, but because people in their lives broke more promises to them—maybe it was the end of the month and that promised pizza dinner was no longer affordable. A future reward might seem out of reach if you’ve been disappointed time and again.
One of my managers once told me, “How people judge you is based on your say-do ratio.” That is so true. What example are you setting for the people around you?
10. Know that there are things you can’t see
Most of last year, my in-laws were very sick, and they both passed within a few months of each other. I rarely broadcast this, but their situation added a lot of stress to our family. We loved them dearly, and it was really hard to watch. All of them suffered so quickly and all at once. It was such a difficult time, and in the back of my mind I was constantly stressed about what was happening.
Last week, my mother went into hospice. It has been a long road for her since she was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer a few years ago. There are times when I’m in a meeting and the hospital is calling me. I always debate whether to step out or not. I worry and wonder, and I’m often not sure how to handle all of it while living up to my commitments to my family and work.
People are living with things you can’t see and don’t know about. They may be struggling with infertility or a child with mental health challenges. Maybe they just found out that a loved one is sick. Maybe they were just passed over for a promotion, or lost out on a big contract. So much is happening in other people’s lives, and they don’t bring it all to work all the time. Which is understandable. But if we treated each other with a little bit more grace, we would see that our common humanity is so much greater than just the work we have to do together.
I remember one of my very logical product leaders saying, “This job would be easy but for having to deal with all the people.” As amusing as that quote may be, it is the human connection that makes it possible for us to do what we do.
I learned the hard way that being right all the time shouldn’t be the goal. Influence has a lot more to do with connection and relationships than just the hard facts. Over the years, I’ve learned to read the room by walking in with empathy, commitment, and a goal of building bridges, not burning them. I don’t always get it right, but I am much more sensitive now to what is happening beneath the surface.
People want to be heard and accepted. They want to connect and feel valued. Start there—not with the facts, but with the relationship. You’ll be surprised at how far you can go.
Taking time to build bridges instead of just being rightRead MorePerspectives
